I talk about self-soothing a lot in my work as a Pediatric Sleep Coach. Self-soothing is the act of independently regulating one’s emotions.
When it comes to babies and children, self-soothing can be misunderstood, with some viewing it as neglect or emotional detachment. Research has found that self-soothing is actually an essential skill that when allowed to develop leads to happier, more resilient children and adults. Effective self-soothing often develops within the context of responsive caregiving, emotional support, and appropriate modeling from adults.
Self-soothing is particularly relevant when it comes to sleep training. While some people worry that allowing babies to self-soothe during sleep training could result in emotional harm, studies suggest the opposite. Babies who are taught to fall asleep independently tend to develop better sleep habits, which ultimately support their physical health and emotional development. Research by the American Academy of Sleep Medicine supports the idea that self-soothing helps babies learn to regulate their sleep-wake cycles, leading to longer, more restful sleep. This skill is a part of the broader ability to handle frustration, manage emotions, and build a sense of security and autonomy. When babies learn to self-soothe, they gain the ability to fall asleep independently, which benefits not just their mood and temperament but also their overall development.
It’s crucial to view self-soothing in the appropriate context. For instance, when a child experiences emotional distress—such as getting hurt or feeling upset—a responsive parent will be there to comfort them and help them learn to process their emotions. Emotional comfort and secure attachment are essential, particularly during these times. However, self-soothing is different when it comes to sleep. In this scenario, the baby is in a safe and secure environment, and the act of self-soothing is more about developing the skills to fall asleep independently, not about emotional neglect. According to research, the ability to self-soothe at bedtime is associated with healthier sleep patterns, less nighttime waking, and better overall mood the next day. This skill is less about "dealing with emotions" and more about learning a necessary coping strategy for a specific situation.
What does self-soothing during sleep training look like for a baby? Due to my in-home sleep training work, I have watched thousands of hours of baby monitors and have witnessed a wide range of self-soothing mechanisms take place in the crib. I have seen babies who twirl the tags of their sleep sacks, those who suck on the fabric of their sleeves, some who thump the mattress with their hands as if demanding a second round of drinks, others who suck their fingers (from thumbs to pinkies!), lots of babies who turn their head side to side, others who make “snow angel” motions with their arms and legs, and of course, many babies who cry to self-soothe. (Interestingly enough, research findings show that emotional crying releases oxytocin and dopamine. Dopamine and oxytocin play a role in emotional processing by regulating the amygdala-hippocampal and amygdala-frontal connectivities. Huh? In other words, crying can help us process emotions and self-soothe).
The concern that teaching a baby to self-soothe is neglectful often stems from a misunderstanding of what self-soothing is. Responsive caregiving, where parents are attuned to their child’s needs and emotions, does not contradict the process of teaching self-soothing. On the contrary, by offering a consistent and loving response when the baby needs it, parents create an environment where the child can gradually learn that they are safe and secure—even when they are alone or trying to sleep. Over time, this builds trust and confidence in the child’s ability to handle discomfort on their own, which is empowering. Research in child development shows that children who develop self-soothing skills are more likely to exhibit better emotional regulation, social competence, and overall well-being.
Ultimately, the skill of self-soothing plays a significant role in creating happier, more independent children and adults. By learning how to manage stress, regulate emotions, and navigate challenges on their own, children build resilience, which is crucial for long-term mental health. Adults who developed self-soothing abilities as children tend to be better equipped to handle life’s stressors and transitions. Studies have shown that children who are allowed to develop self-soothing skills often have better emotional intelligence, stronger coping strategies, and more balanced moods as adults. Thus, while it’s important to be responsive to a child’s emotional needs, fostering the ability to self-soothe can enhance emotional development in a way that benefits the child throughout their life.
In conclusion, self-soothing is not a sign of neglect but rather a necessary skill that contributes to both short-term comfort and long-term emotional health. Parents can feel confident that teaching their baby to self-soothe, particularly in the context of sleep training, is not harmful but rather beneficial. It’s a process that, when done with love, patience, and consistency, allows children to develop a sense of independence and emotional regulation that will serve them throughout their lives!
